child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, March 28, 2011

normal people

Do you know what sucks about not being "normal"?  Normal people sometimes aren't hungry and so they don't eat and it is ok. Normal people can decide they feel like having ice cream for lunch occasionally just because it sounds good.  Normal people have bodies that will tell them what they need and when they need it.  And while my body is learning to tell me what it needs and I am trying to learn to listen to it, I am far from normal.

Tonight I was annoyed because I got hungry and had to stop to take time to eat.  I had other things that I would have rather been doing than eating.  On the upside though, my stomach actually growls again, something that it hadn't done in quite some time.  I have to make myself see it as an upside.  I have to remind myself that it means that my body is getting used to food again.  Otherwise, I will concentrate on what a horrible and so not attractive sound it is to hear my stomach growl and be angry with myself over it. 

My body is learning again to give me those signals that say, "Hey, you!  Yeah, you!  I need to be taken care of!"  Things that to many of you are obvious signs, but to me haven't been for ages.  Like for instance last week when I hadn't had dinner and I started getting shaky.  Or like my stomach growling.  Or realizing that a panic attack was actually lack of nutrition not actual anxiety.  And I am learning to listen to those signals again.  It isn't always easy.  Actually, it is often much harder than it is easier, but it is slowly happening. 

I've never been the emaciated girl who it is so completely obvious there is a problem.  In high school it used to be easy to blame genetics for my thinness.  Then this summer when I lost 11% of my body weight in 2 weeks time, suddenly it was more noticeable.  Somehow I still couldn't see it until we were at a pool party.  When I went into the bathroom and was putting on sunscreen, I suddenly could see that I had no boobs filling out the top of my swimsuit.  I could see the loose skin on my belly.  Like a too small foot in an old stretched out sock, my body was too small for my skin.  For a moment, I caught a glimpse of what others saw.  No one said anything though, so I still told myself that no one but my hubby had noticed.  It is sometimes scary what we can convince ourselves of when we are in the midst of it.  Then I thought no one could see it, now I realize they did indeed see it but just didn't know what to say.

One day at a time, one meal at a time, sometimes one minute at a time, I am learning how to be ok with me.  I am learning that indulged cravings aren't going to kill me (even though it may feel like it at the time!).  I am learning that I am not my body, I am me and I have a body.  I am learning that my husband likes this look much more than the super skinny me I was this summer.  I am learning to start to like this look more, even though sometimes it is really hard.  I am learning how to live again.  I am (re)learning that there is so much in my life that I love and there is so much more to life than calories and skinny pants.  I am learning that taking care of my body is also taking care of my family.  I am learning, which means I am also growing.  (What a poor choice of words from the eating disorder girl! Ha!)

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