I over analyze everything. It's just what I do. I am currently over analyzing a lot of piddly stuff and my sweet hubby is kind enough to let me hash it all out over and over again as I try to figure it out. He knows I over react. He knows I obsess. He knows that since today started my obsessing that it will come up several more times before I can make internal peace with my decisions, and yet he still let me vent for an hour and a half.
I have recently realized that my life is not actually invisible and that I impact many people. I was starting to realize it a little but then I read The Five People You Meet In Heaven. If you haven't read it, this is not a spoiler. In the book the main character Eddie meets five different people who have been affected by his life. Most of the people he meets, he was unaware of how he affected them but he changed each of their lives in some way. So now I am even more aware of the fact that my life, while not lived to please everyone around me, does affect everyone around me. It is a heavy and sobering thing to go from a perceived invisible life to one that makes a difference.
Group therapy just ended on Thursday. The number of people who came up to me and told me that my sharing had forever changed their lives or had encouraged them to pursue the healing they needed was overwhelming. My life actually matters to more people than the handful I thought it mattered to. That is a weird and almost cool feeling. God used me in the lives of others, even though I was scared and wasn't expecting anything at all.
In all of my worrying, hubby said he thinks I am having to define my 30's. Ick! He asked me if I ever had to pull down things and start from scratch in my 20's. Suddenly I realized that I did indeed have to figure things out, many times in my 20's. Oh my, do I have to do this with every decade????? Will I have to figure out from scratch as many times in my 30's as I did in my 20's? I am hoping that there will fewer times of rediscovering myself, my faith, my life, my passions in this decade of life than in the last decade! I am hoping that with life experience, this rediscovering and redefining gets easier. Anyone older than me care to comment on that?
I am also in a place of having to define my boundaries of what is ok to talk about and what isn't. I grew up unable to ask many of my questions and way too many subjects were off limits. The biggest of those off limits subjects was sex. Now I am an adult and I decide what is appropriate to talk about. I view sex very differently than I was brought up with. I walk a fine line between being modest and being "sexually liberated" and sometimes it is difficult to explain. See here is the deal, I don't think sex is a bad word or a dirty act (I know shocker to hear from someone with my background). I think sex is as normal as breathing and was designed to be a beautiful act.
So we humans got in there and messed up what God intended to be beautiful. Our sinfulness brought dirtiness to God's perfection and because of that sex causes more emotional scars than probably anything else in the world. I get it, believe me I do. I am trying to define the line of what is ok to talk about with sex. I don't view sex to be the bad word I was taught it to be. I view sex to be a beautiful gift from God, an amazing special way for a husband and wife to love each other. I view it to be sacred. I also, though, don't think it is as big of a deal as what some do. Let me rephrase that, it is a big deal, it is a huge deal. It is also not a bad word.
Am I even making sense with all of that? I guess I am trying to say that talking about sex doesn't bother me at all because I believe it to be a beautiful thing not a dirty thing. How on earth did I come from a place of violation and filthy sex to believe that sex is beautiful? God brought me an amazing husband who helped me heal in so many ways. God alone deserves the glory, I defy the abuse odds.
Because I don't view sex in a bad light and I don't ever get a visual when others talk about sex, sometimes it is difficult for me to remember that apparently that is uncommon. Others get visuals when they talk about sex? Really? Now for my poll, Do you get a mental image if someone talks about sex with you? One says not everyone does, one says everyone does and I just dissociate because of my past, one says it is a stereotype to think everyone gets a mental image, one says they cannot believe that I never get a mental image. So what is the consensus? Am I a freak because I don't visualize? Can I talk openly about sex and not cause others to stumble?
Where do I draw the line? What are the boundaries supposed to be? I know I am opening myself up to a wide variety of comments with this post and I hope to hear just opinions not judgments! Is is ok to esteem sex highly and still talk about it openly?
So that is just a couple of my over analyzing things for today. My brain feels clear for the first time in ages. While that is an amazing feeling, it also gives room for even more sides to every story and more things to take into account when I over analyze. I know, I am crazy, got it! I just think too much and over think and over process and over analyze until I come to where I need to be. I will be hashing these out for at least a week so I'm sorry if that spills into my blog and gets annoying! Someday I will maybe be able to process without over processing every minute detail!