child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, March 14, 2011

the shift

It has been coming for a long time.  The shift started nearly a year ago.  It was often subtle little things.  I felt it though.  I knew it was coming and I hoped it wasn't.  I felt the shift in the dynamics with my friends and support.  I hoped I could keep it from happening.  I couldn't.  And so I sit here with my tears and have a myriad of thoughts.
~this stupid disease caused this!
~if I would have made different choices, it wouldn't have happened.
~if I could only give more and take less......
~if only.....
~what did I do wrong?
~why isn't it ok when I am the one who is weak for a change?
~it really hurts.

And even more thoughts.
~I'll restrict and not feel the pain.
~I won't restrict because I won't allow them to have that much power over me to be able to hurt me deeply enough to make anorexia feel like a good option again.
~I want more control of this situation.
~The harder I try to control this situation, the more I allow them the control of my life.
~I really want it to not hurt like this.

Someone else got tired of the drama involved with eating disorders, depression, PTSD.  Someone else got tired of me.  Someone else walked away.  And I am hurt. Really. Really.  Hurt.


  1. Not everyone. Those that really love you still do. Those that don't have their own issues and don't know what real love is to begin with. Gleaning the wheat from the chaff.

    This person may or may not come back to you, but that is no reflection on you. You are worth loving, no matter what.

  2. oh Dawn, I am so sorry this happened. I wish I COULD give you a hug--if you feel like it, have a mug of tea and pretend I made it for you, because that's what I would do if I could.
    You have a right to be hurt. You will outlast the pain, though. And Anon is so right--you are worth much love, worth much more than being left like this, and the people who loved you before love you still.