My mom called yesterday. My Grandma's 90th birthday is coming up and my mom and aunt and uncles are wanting to throw her a big party. My mom wants me and my sister in law and my cousin to plan the food. But I don't want to. Mom talked about how great it would be if I could make it to the party (it is in St. Louis). But I don't want to go.
I don't have warm grandmotherly memories with my Grandma. She was mean to me. I don't have warm memories of my extended family. The person who abused me would be at the party and I don't have any desire to see him now that I am an adult and don't have to. Earlier this year when my mom brought up the party the first time, my hubby said no way in hell I'd be going. My therapist also said no way in hell I'd be going. Now it is getting closer and I have to figure out how to set a boundary with my mom and inform her I have no intentions of going.
How do I say I don't care about the party without actually saying it? My mom is so excited. My mom thinks everything is just fine and dandy because if you don't acknowledge a problem then it never existed. I no longer harbor feelings of hatred toward my family but I do still feel uncomfortable around most of them.
My mom is going to make me pay emotionally for missing the party. But as I told Hubby, either way I lose so I might as well lose in the way that will be easier for me to deal with and have the least effect on my immediate family. I refuse to go and look my abuser in the face and pretend that nothing ever happened. I refuse to put myself through that kind of hell. I refuse to put my husband and kids through the hell it would cause for them. I refuse.
My mom is going to blow a gasket when I can no longer side step the issue and must finally tell her that I am not going. I am going to emotionally pay for this. But as I said, if I go I will pay an even higher emotional toll. I'm staying home, not because I am a bad daughter or granddaughter, but because it is what is best for me and my family.
I hear your strength and yet I imagine the toll it is taking on you. You sound like you're 100%, without a doubt, making the right decision. I just wish your mom would make it easier. We tell the girls we work with, "it's okay to be me." That means, it's okay to make your own decisions and to have different opinions than those around you. It's hard for the girls and it's hard for us as adults, but we truly do know what is best for us in these types of situations and your therapist and husband are backing you up. Don't let your mom (whom you don't respect that much) have power over you. It's okay to be you.
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