FAT. Yep, I said it, the f word. It has been a long time since I have really exercised. I have long felt that my body deserves to be punished and usually when I exercise it is with the intention of punishing myself for something. I listened to my doctor and to my husband and even to my body and reserved the exercise. Unfortunately I haven't felt stable enough to trust myself to exercise alone so my exercise has been limited to using the eliptical occasionally while watching football with Hubby.
I think I'm starting to come into a place where I want to work with my body. I am starting to see a difference in my motivation to exercise, to be healthy not to punish myself. This is a good thing and a nice shift. I'm also a little afraid of the exercise program that Hubby and I are about to begin because though I genuinely desire health this time around, I'm also genuinely very discontent with my body.
Here are the steps I'm putting in place to help guard myself. I am NOT weighing, measuring or taking before and after photos. I'm only exercising with Hubby, no sneaking it in after he goes to bed. That way I can stay accountable to him and he won't have to forbid me from exercise again because I was burning far more than I was consuming.
I feel fat. But more importantly, right now I don't feel healthy. I feel like I have gone the other extreme of hurting myself by not fully taking care of myself. Instead of hurting my body, I'm just ignoring it. That's not healthy either. There has to be a healthy balance, a balance that neither abuses my body nor neglects it. And someday, I'm going to find that balance.