child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, November 12, 2012

balancing the f-bomb

FAT.  Yep, I said it, the f word. It has been a long time since I have really exercised.  I have long felt that my body deserves to be punished and usually when I exercise it is with the intention of punishing myself for something.  I listened to my doctor and to my husband and even to my body and reserved the exercise.  Unfortunately I haven't felt stable enough to trust myself to exercise alone so my exercise has been limited to using the eliptical occasionally while watching football with Hubby. 

I think I'm starting to come into a place where I want to work with my body.  I am starting to see a difference in my motivation to exercise, to be healthy not to punish myself.  This is a good thing and a nice shift.  I'm also a little afraid of the exercise program that Hubby and I are about to begin because though I genuinely desire health this time around, I'm also genuinely very discontent with my body.

Here are the steps I'm putting in place to help guard myself.  I am NOT weighing, measuring or taking before and after photos.  I'm only exercising with Hubby, no sneaking it in after he goes to bed.  That way I can stay accountable to him and he won't have to forbid me from exercise again because I was burning far more than I was consuming. 

I feel fat.  But more importantly, right now I don't feel healthy.  I feel like I have gone the other extreme of hurting myself by not fully taking care of myself.  Instead of hurting my body, I'm just ignoring it.  That's not healthy either.  There has to be a healthy balance, a balance that neither abuses my body nor neglects it.  And someday, I'm going to find that balance. 

3 comments:

  1. I think I'm starting to come into a place where I want to work with my body. I am starting to see a difference in my motivation to exercise, to be healthy not to punish myself. This is a good thing and a nice shift.

    I rounded this corner recently and it has been LOVELY. Motivation makes such a difference, huh? I am going to write about taking up running again, because it has been a gift. It sounds like you have set up a good safety net for yourself...let us know how it goes.

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  2. Came across your blog. I too have struggled with anorexia, and have for over 14 years. I am also creating a blog about my life and story, check it out. http://www.mydailydevil.com. Thanks for your website, hopefully we all can help make a difference in the world of anorexia.

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    1. Glad you stopped by, and thanks for sharing your link.

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