child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Sunday, October 24, 2010


I have gained most of the weight back that I had lost.  My doctor says I'm at a healthy weight, stay there.  My husband and friends are noticing too and liking the results.  I wish I could feel as good about it as they all do.  I wish my body didn't punish my mind so.  There are days that my body image is torture for my mind.  I am maintaining, not great but not horrible either.  Carol is worried about my medication needing to be tweeked because I can't seem to get past this feeling of just being stable.  I have had a few up days or moments but yet I still feel like I am mearly maintaining not progressing.  My last meeting with her was hard.  I am supposed to be excercising to help my body produce the chemicals my brain needs to get over this hurdle but it is hard.  I just don't want to.  I don't want to move.  I am constantly tired, beyond tired, exhausted. I'm taking my meds, I'm sleeping more than enough and I am even eating but I just don't seem to be feeling better.  I guess when I put it in black and white like this, I see why Carol said it sounds like depression.  As I put my feelings on paper, I am suddenly aware that I think she may be right.  I am tired of feeling like I am on the brink of falling over the edge.  I want to feel normal but I barely remember what normal feels like.  The times I have felt normal have been great, just not often and not lasting.  I hate that I eat, I hate that sometimes I enjoy eating, I hate that my body lies to me and I hate that I always feel down.  I pretty much just hate most everything about me right now, that the skinny pants my friend gave me that were too big in the hospital are now getting a little tight, that I keep eating even though I don't like the results, that I am so fickle as to say in the same breath that I want to get better and yet don't want to eat.  I wish this were an easy road.  And yet I don't.  If I have never known pain, how would I know Jesus to be a comforter?  If I have never known struggles, how would I know the peace that surpasses all understanding?  If I have never been weak, how would I know that His strength is perfect when my strength is gone?  If I have never felt alone maybe I would never have compassion on others who feel alone.  If I have never hurt, how can I know Jesus as a healer?  If bad things had never happened to me, how could I know Jesus as my redeemer? If Jesus could face the cross to ransom me, can I not face my sorrows and learn to lean on Him and learn His character in the midst of the pain?
God, help me to trust you.  Help me to put my hope in you, not in myself.  I know I can't save myself, only you can.  I know I cannot pull myself out of the pit, only you can.  Redeem my life, use me for your glory, and help me to know you in a new way through the valleys that I walk through.

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