child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Sunday, October 3, 2010

random act of kindness

It is amazing how such a small act of kindness can turn someone's entire outlook around.  It has been a sad day today.  I feel like I want to cry but no tears want to fill my eyes.  Yesterday was my oldest sons birthday.  He turned 8.  We celebrated his birthday and my mom's which was today at Red Lobster.  Endless shrimp + recovering anorexic = not a wonderful idea!  I ate more calories last night at dinner than I have probably eaten over the course of a week. It tasted pretty good actually and again I felt guilty afterwards for enjoying food.  I feel like I don't deserve to enjoy what I eat. I am very very very aware that my new medicine is working and making my appetite increase.  I have actually been able to eat quite a bit more since being home from the hospital.  I think it is completely obvious that I have been eating over the last 2 weeks.  Why am I the only one to notice?  My son had a pool party birthday party on Friday.  I felt weird because I could see the belly in my swimsuit.  Hubby said I look great and that it isn't just because he is supposed to say that.  Yet I felt awkward and inadequate. 

My house is a disaster.  I haven't been able to tackle my kitchen in a few days.  My kids haven't tackled their messes either.  It is overwhelming.  Tonight I had a mile long list of things to do and yet found myself watching football and playing my sons new DS instead.  Some kind soul dropped milk off on my front porch and relieved me of the duty of having to go buy milk for my family's morning.  That was the act of kindness to turn my attitude around.  The story is actually kinda funny.  Just before 9pm, my youngest woke up with a bad dream.  I was getting him back to bed and he was just dozing off when my my dog starts barking like crazy and then my phone rings "unavailable number".  I rejected the call, worried I would wake him.  I got out of his room just before my message alert went off.  The message was a voice I don't recognize, again from an unknown number, saying that there was something on my porch for me.  Ok, I don't live in the greatest neighborhood.  It is by no means the hood but it isn't the nicest either.  Just last week one of my neighbors was arrested for having thousands of stolen items in his house that he was reselling.  An annonymous call telling me to look outside on my porch kinda freaked me out!  So I called my in-laws who live next door.  I told them that I didn't want to go to the door without someone knowing so they came to their door also, just in case.  I opened the door and there was 2 gallons of milk on my porch!  My father-in-law laughed and said "Well, guess I don't need this." and showed me that he had come to the door with his gun in hand, just in case. 

So whoever did that both scared me to death and blessed the socks off of me!  You changed my entire perspective today.  This morning I was wondering how God plans to use me.  I was wondering if my life was really in His hand.  I was hurting and tired.  This evening, He showed me, yet again, that He cares for even my smallest needs.  Getting milk wasn't a matter of not having money for it (though we have been in that position before), it was a matter of not wanting to leave my house.  I was enjoying watching the Giants/Bears game and loving the defensive football that was being played.  And yet, God still took care of me.  Isn't it funny that all it takes sometimes is something as simple as a couple of gallons of milk from an annonymous angel to remind me that God does indeed have a plan and purpose for my life, that He really does love me, and that He knows every need I have?!?

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