child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, February 14, 2011

blog to avoid isolation

I am here blogging for one main reason, I desire to isolate in an extreme way.  I want to curl up in my little safe spot and never come out.  Isolating = not healthy = stress = unhealthy coping skills.  So here I am, not isolating.  This sucks!

I have no reason that I can think of to feel suddenly insecure and lonely.  I just spent an amazing weekend away with my husband.  We were able to connect physically, emotionally and spiritually.  It was a wonderful time of being together.  I came home refreshed.

I got my tattoo over the weekend and I absolutely love it!!!!!!! It was a fabulous experience, not particularly painful, and it is gorgeous.  I left excited.

I ate 3 meals on Saturday.  Go me.  Breakfast and Dinner were both small, but nonetheless, I did indeed eat them.

Sunday at breakfast I may have had a stupid panic moment.  I grabbed a yogurt at the hotel.  I was 2 bites in when suddenly I freaked out and refused to eat the rest.  Hubby asked if I was ok.  I wasn't.  I was shaking.  I couldn't eat that yogurt if I had begged myself to.  Oddly however, eating part of a waffle with maple syrup did not panic me.  I gave my hubby insight into my head.  The yogurt was loaded with sugar.  The waffle was too but the yogurt said so on the package whereas the waffle did not.  The yogurt had high fructose corn syrup.  I could read the ingredients on the side if I had allowed myself to.  The waffle, I knew that wasn't really healthy.  The waffle, though, didn't pretend to be healthy and try to trick me.  The waffle was unhealthy from the beginning.  The yogurt, however, goes under the assumption that it is healthy even though it is loaded with sugars and preservatives and such.  The yogurt made me mad, I felt as though it was lying to me.  The waffle never misrepresented itself.

Ok, I know I have way too much free time to feel like food can deceive me or to panic over such idiotic things.  Yet, it is a glimpse into my disordered thinking. 

Today we were out and about and drove past the street that my best friend lives on.  I have not actually been to her house since September when she made me go to the hospital.  We have talked, she has briefly been to my house but in the chaos of both of our lives, I have not been back to her house.  I have driven past the street a few times since September.  Today was different though.  Today, my feelings were hurt.  Though I do believe that the hospital was a good step in the right direction for me, I was still hurt that I had to go.  I cannot fully describe how I felt passing her street.  The words just don't seem right, but for lack of any better way to sum up my feelings, I felt lonely.

I do believe that, as Rascal Flatts puts it, "God blessed the broken road".  Without her sending me to the hospital, I would have never found Carol.  Without having hit rock bottom, I would have never reached out to the group that I am in for support.  Without the hospital a lot of the progress I have made would not have happened or at least would have been longer in coming.  Yet it was still a painful and traumatic experience.

I am grateful that tomorrow is a new day.  I am not going to shut down.  I will keep fighting, even when it is hard.  I am not going to isolate, even though nothing in the world sounds better right now.  

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