child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I am not

This morning while in the shower, I for some reason thought back to the days of taking scalding showers and scrubbing my skin till it bled in the name of trying to get clean.  Back then I didn't realize that clean was not about soap and water; I was trying to wash away the filth of the abuse.  Who cared if it hurt, it didn't hurt as badly as inside of me did.  Today I was thinking about that little girl I used to be.  I realized how hurt, lonely and afraid she really was.  I wondered today, if I had really scrubbed my skin off back then, if I would have felt clean.  I know the answer is no, but it still passed through my head.  I was told something last night that made today's thoughts feel actually kind to myself. 

"The beauty that God placed in you cannot be taken away by the evilness that was done to you."  That profound statement has carried me through today.  I am not what happened to me.  I am not a number on the scale.  I am not the clothes I wear.  I am not the friends I have or the man I love.  I am not a disease that fights to rob me of joy and peace. I am me.

I am a child of God.  I am a woman.  I am a lover.  I am a mamma.  I am a friend.  I am beautiful.  I am loved.  I am cherished.  I am me.  And nothing that has been done to me by others or even my self afflicted pain will ever change who I am or take away my value.

1 comment:

  1. yes. that is a strong truth. something strong to hold on to.