sleep, triggers, encouragement, it's all in there

I need sleep.  I said I would be off of the computer and heading upstairs for bed by midnight.  Yet here it is 12:01 and I am here with you instead of upstairs in my warm bed.  I don't want to sleep.  I have no idea why I am almost as afraid of sleep as I was of white bread last week.  I am not having nightmares right now.  I just don't want to go to bed.

I am doing well with remembering my medications and supplements regularly again.  I am aware of the difference it makes to be consistent with both.

My butt bone hurts from sitting here.  It has been a while since that feeling.  My wrist and collar bone ache a little.  My lower ribs don't feel great either.  I know this feeling.  Am I losing weight again?  I don't see it in the mirror and dare not step on the scale right now. 

I am in a fairly strong place emotionally, though I also know that triggers are just a breath away.  I went from feeling like I was on a tightrope to feeling like I am on a balance beam.  If you go from the floor to the balance beam, it doesn't feel like there is much room to balance, but in going from a thin string to a balance beam, there is suddenly a lot of balance to be had. 

I am successfully avoiding intentional triggers.  It is some days harder than others.  A friend of mine is a recovered compulsive eater.  He sent out an email about his testimony and his success with Over eaters Anonymous.  It was amazing and I am so happy for him that he was able to break the cycle of disordered eating.  I did not, however, click on the links that would hurt me like the calorie counters and such.  Not going to lie, I am proud of me for that.  I even sent him a message back telling him how happy I am for him and that I for my own recovery process I could not look at the links he sent.

I read an AMAZING blog today. I loved how she gave both the truth of anorexia and the emotions of it.  I would be lying if I said I found it on my own.  Carrie over at ED bites linked it and I just had to share it also.  I am amazed at how many recovery supportive resources are out there.  The only resources I had found before were not recovery supportive and very damaging.  It is comforting to know I am not alone and that though our struggles all differ, the emotions are roughly the same.

I have also found some other blogs I like.  One of them is Holly.  Her posts are short, sweet and to the point which makes them fun and fast to read. But really what I love most is that her comments on my posts have been most encouraging lately.  Thanks, Holly for your support!  I had no idea that a complete stranger could bring such encouragement and comfort.  

Ok, that is about all my brain can comprehend for tonight.  I guess I'll go get that sleep after all!