I need sleep. I said I would be off of the computer and heading upstairs for bed by midnight. Yet here it is 12:01 and I am here with you instead of upstairs in my warm bed. I don't want to sleep. I have no idea why I am almost as afraid of sleep as I was of white bread last week. I am not having nightmares right now. I just don't want to go to bed.
I am doing well with remembering my medications and supplements regularly again. I am aware of the difference it makes to be consistent with both.
My butt bone hurts from sitting here. It has been a while since that feeling. My wrist and collar bone ache a little. My lower ribs don't feel great either. I know this feeling. Am I losing weight again? I don't see it in the mirror and dare not step on the scale right now.
I am in a fairly strong place emotionally, though I also know that triggers are just a breath away. I went from feeling like I was on a tightrope to feeling like I am on a balance beam. If you go from the floor to the balance beam, it doesn't feel like there is much room to balance, but in going from a thin string to a balance beam, there is suddenly a lot of balance to be had.
I am successfully avoiding intentional triggers. It is some days harder than others. A friend of mine is a recovered compulsive eater. He sent out an email about his testimony and his success with Over eaters Anonymous. It was amazing and I am so happy for him that he was able to break the cycle of disordered eating. I did not, however, click on the links that would hurt me like the calorie counters and such. Not going to lie, I am proud of me for that. I even sent him a message back telling him how happy I am for him and that I for my own recovery process I could not look at the links he sent.
I read an AMAZING blog today. I loved how she gave both the truth of anorexia and the emotions of it. I would be lying if I said I found it on my own. Carrie over at ED bites linked it and I just had to share it also. I am amazed at how many recovery supportive resources are out there. The only resources I had found before were not recovery supportive and very damaging. It is comforting to know I am not alone and that though our struggles all differ, the emotions are roughly the same.
I have also found some other blogs I like. One of them is Holly. Her posts are short, sweet and to the point which makes them fun and fast to read. But really what I love most is that her comments on my posts have been most encouraging lately. Thanks, Holly for your support! I had no idea that a complete stranger could bring such encouragement and comfort.
Ok, that is about all my brain can comprehend for tonight. I guess I'll go get that sleep after all!