child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, February 7, 2011

sleep, triggers, encouragement, it's all in there

I need sleep.  I said I would be off of the computer and heading upstairs for bed by midnight.  Yet here it is 12:01 and I am here with you instead of upstairs in my warm bed.  I don't want to sleep.  I have no idea why I am almost as afraid of sleep as I was of white bread last week.  I am not having nightmares right now.  I just don't want to go to bed.

I am doing well with remembering my medications and supplements regularly again.  I am aware of the difference it makes to be consistent with both.

My butt bone hurts from sitting here.  It has been a while since that feeling.  My wrist and collar bone ache a little.  My lower ribs don't feel great either.  I know this feeling.  Am I losing weight again?  I don't see it in the mirror and dare not step on the scale right now. 

I am in a fairly strong place emotionally, though I also know that triggers are just a breath away.  I went from feeling like I was on a tightrope to feeling like I am on a balance beam.  If you go from the floor to the balance beam, it doesn't feel like there is much room to balance, but in going from a thin string to a balance beam, there is suddenly a lot of balance to be had. 

I am successfully avoiding intentional triggers.  It is some days harder than others.  A friend of mine is a recovered compulsive eater.  He sent out an email about his testimony and his success with Over eaters Anonymous.  It was amazing and I am so happy for him that he was able to break the cycle of disordered eating.  I did not, however, click on the links that would hurt me like the calorie counters and such.  Not going to lie, I am proud of me for that.  I even sent him a message back telling him how happy I am for him and that I for my own recovery process I could not look at the links he sent.

I read an AMAZING blog today. I loved how she gave both the truth of anorexia and the emotions of it.  I would be lying if I said I found it on my own.  Carrie over at ED bites linked it and I just had to share it also.  I am amazed at how many recovery supportive resources are out there.  The only resources I had found before were not recovery supportive and very damaging.  It is comforting to know I am not alone and that though our struggles all differ, the emotions are roughly the same.

I have also found some other blogs I like.  One of them is Holly.  Her posts are short, sweet and to the point which makes them fun and fast to read. But really what I love most is that her comments on my posts have been most encouraging lately.  Thanks, Holly for your support!  I had no idea that a complete stranger could bring such encouragement and comfort.  

Ok, that is about all my brain can comprehend for tonight.  I guess I'll go get that sleep after all!

1 comment:

  1. tightrope to balance beam...I like that analogy. (and the reality behind it, of course!)

    you're so very welcome; goodness knows my blogger friends have been an endless source of support to me!