child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

over analyzing bread

Yesterday I fell in love with bread making all over again.  There is nothing quite like the feel of bread dough coming alive under your hands.  It is therapeutic to knead and throw this little ball of flour and yeast.  I also learned how much I love to hate bread.  I love to make it, just not so keen on eating it.  My entire house smelled comforting and yet somehow all I could think of while mixing the ingredients was "This is what goes into my body?????"  Flour and water make glue, and so I eat something that will stick to my intestines just like glue.  I know it doesn't help that I veered from my normal whole grain recipes and made white bread (insert horrified gasp here!). 

How is it possible to find such comfort and such guilt in the same activity?  Bread baking makes me feel safe, it makes me feel like I am providing healthy options for my family (it may be white bread but there is no high fructose corn syrup or preservatives), it warms my house and makes my entire house smell comforting.  At the same exact time I find myself stricken with guilt that I made white bread out of store bought flour.  It wasn't the whole grain that I usually prefer, it was the light bread my family prefers.  I didn't grind my own flour like I usually do.  I did use organic unbleached flour but it isn't quite as fulfilling as making my own flour and then my own bread.

I know, I am such a dork!  I just completely over analyzed my bread dilemma.  The problem is that it really shouldn't be a dilemma.  How many people have been amazed that I take the time to make bread and yet I'm mad at myself because it wasn't perfect.  I really need to get better at this whole grace giving thing.  It is ok to use store bought flour.  It is ok to serve my family white bread.  It is even ok for me to eat said white bread.  I'm going to get there.  I have made progress, I allowed myself to have a piece fresh from the oven and even put a touch of butter on it. 

Maybe someday I will make even more progress and be able to make and eat bread without guilt overriding all the lovely things about homemade bread!  I'm trying to remind myself how much I do love the feel of dough beneath my fingers as I knead it and how much I adore the smell and warmth of bread baking.  My goal is to someday see more of the positives of it and maybe be able to silence the negative guilt voice that nags in the back of my brain.

Here's to the day when we eat white bread without guilt, cheers!

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