In the craziness of life, I haven't updated. Some of that was indeed just not knowing what to say or exactly how I was feeling. Thursday was group therapy night. The discussion was taking care of yourself emotionally and physically. It was a difficult evening for me. I cried for the entire session until we broke off into our smaller groups. I am grateful for those around me who love me and were so kind during the whole thing. A friend sitting in front of me passed me a note telling me she was praying for me. A friend sitting next to me squeezed my shoulders a few times. I got a lot of hugs which was a good thing.
Someone told me later that his wife didn't have a hunger trigger and had to set a timer to remind herself to eat at appropriate times. He thought that was what was going on with me and was trying to be supportive. The look on his face when I said, "Oh, I have a hunger trigger, I just choose to ignore it!" was classic. So I had the opportunity to, as well as I could, explain the disorder part of eating disorder. I appreciated that though he completely could not comprehend how it is possible for me to like the feeling of being hungry, he was still compassionate. There was no judgment, only support.
If it were as easy as "just eat" or "just stop hurting yourself", it would not be a disorder and would be completely a non-existent issue. I am not absolving myself from the choices that I make that do indeed perpetuate my disease; I am, however, saying that if it were as easy as some think it is, we would live in a perfect world. Disordered thinking and eating must be met with healthy thinking or the disease will only get worse. Some days are more difficult than others to have healthy thoughts instead of disordered thoughts.
Friday I saw a new psychiatrist to manage my meds. Dr. R is awesome! One of the things I really liked is that he didn't try to change my "should's". When he asked me about my suicidal thought and why the last time I didn't take it to more than a thought, I told him about my family. One of my children was in the car with me and my husband and other two children were in the car behind me and my friend and her husband and three kids were in the car in front of me. I don't want to hurt any of them. So Dr. R asked me if I love my family. OF COURSE I DO! Do I love them more than I love myself? Uhhhhhh, yeah! So rather than try to tell me that I need to think better about myself, he simply said, "Ok, so eventually you will want to do this work for you but for right now, let's work with every positive we have. Right now your love for your family is a driving force, let's use that to our advantage in this process."
I felt heard and validated and understood. He is a great doctor. He also changed my medications to one that sounds more in line with treating majority of my symptoms not just a select few. I am pleased with the new meds decision and that I was informed and asked my opinion about everything. I feel like I am in control of my treatment, something I haven't felt in a long while.
So here is where today finds me emotionally:
~I feel in control of my treatment, which in turns gives me part of my much needed control obsession. I am in control in a healthy way right now.
~I am tired from the new medicine but have not experienced any of the predicted anxiety or emotional "rawness" often happens when switching medication.
~I am strong. Even when I am hurting, I am still in a better place than I was even a few months ago.
~I desperately want to recover and have anorexia a part of my history not a part of my life.
~It is ok to find things that I like about me. This is actually taking care of myself, NOT being a traitor to myself.