"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are, can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall! Decaf! Cappuccino!"
So this morning I decided that a trip to Starbucks was in order and I did take advantage of the offer to get an absolutely defining sense of self. I didn't opt for my usual venti non fat vanilla latte but instead ordered this...
venti, non fat, 4 pump (it is supposed to come with 5 pumps) pumpkin spice latte, stirred (and what the heck, I splurged) with whip. I mixed it up a little. I got a drink I really like. Oh yeah, and I got a side order of guilt for making the barista go out of his way to make a specialty drink. Yes, I am that dysfunctional. Yes, I did feel guilty over ordering what I wanted instead of just going with the flow and not drawing attention to myself. Yes, I am that big of a dork! :)
Yay, for getting what "You" wanted and not what the ed wanted ; ) I hope you were able to enjoy it and not let the "side order of guilt" be too loud in your head. In recovery, we need to learn to discover what foods "we" really like without the ed's influence... and then when we recognize what those foods are... give ourselves permission to have them, and not only have them but ENJOY them! And the more we do that, the less power the ed has over us. It does take time, but you WILL get there, and taking steps like you did at Starbucks is the perfect way to do that. It's easy to pick the "safe" and "normal" choices in our lives - but there is no freedom in those kinds of choices. Proud of you! ;)
ReplyDeleteon the upside, the guilt left when I walked out of Starbucks and no longer had to look at the person who I had to inconvenience (well, at least in my mind it was an inconvenience) to make a drink differently than they normally would. Thankfully this time the guilt was not about what I consumed but rather that I drew attention to myself and didn't just disappear into the crowd. It is a bit uncomfortable to not hide behind "normalcy", whatever that is! Thanks for the encouragement. Suddenly going to Starbucks yesterday feels like a huge step forward :)
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