hormonal psychosis and other observations

I have lots on my mind tonight.  I guess I should give the warning that I am experiencing hormonal psychosis right now as I am expecting my favorite time of the month in a couple of days.  When I devoured chocolate peanut butter no bake cookies seemingly non stop until they were gone and then felt annoyed and snarfy (I don't care if it isn't a word, I like it, so there!) with my entire family, I counted my calendar and wouldn't ya know, my period is near.  So take everything I say with a grain of salt and realize that while the feelings are probably real, they are magnified by the thousands thanks to stupid hormones and their resulting psychosis!

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I have been listening to the Tenth Avenue North CD Light Meets The Dark quite a bit lately.  Nearly every song hits me in the gut right now but this one in particular today.  My hubby and I had one of these conversations before we started dating.  I knew we were close to dating.  I also knew he had to know even the horrible parts of me before I let my heart get too much more attached.  I wanted him to know while he still had a chance to realize who I was and what I was capable of and had the chance to leave without hurting us both excruciatingly. 

I remember it well.  We sat at Village Inn.  I couldn't look him in the eye.  I told him what I have never told anyone else.  He loved me anyway.  He choose me anyway.  He could have picked someone who would have been less of a basket case.  He could have chosen someone less broken, and yet he didn't.  He knew me and still loved me.  And for that I am still amazed and yet so grateful.

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I feel very inadequate, very insecure, and very much like a failure.  Long story short, we just had some financial bad news.  My father-in-law is selling some of his guns to lend us the money to take care of this situation.  I am grateful that we have my in-laws and that he is willing to help us.  I also feel like a complete failure.  We live in a house they own.  He just bought new tires for my car last week because he saw how bald mine were and didn't want me and the kids out on those tires.  We are paying him back a little each paycheck.

And now this.  Now we will owe him even more.  He's not the kind to hold it over our heads and would never mention it even if we never paid him back.  But the problem is that I hold it over my own head.  I thought today that I wonder if we would make it if dad-in-law wasn't there to help us.  I started thinking about my own life.  I lived at home until I got married.  I never went to college, simply because I was scared that I wouldn't make it on my own and was afraid I wouldn't be able to provide, afraid I wouldn't be good enough to make it. 

I got married young and my husband started taking care of me. Financially things have been tight more than they haven't been but still, I'm not on my own.  Hubby is always there, even when things are tough.

Well, last week my friend became a 30-something widow with a son.  It got me thinking.  I am terrified that if my hubby wasn't here that I wouldn't be able to take care of me.  And how on earth would I provide for 3 kids on top of it?  Yeah, I know there is a nice amount of life insurance and our basic needs would be met but what I worried about was if I could emotionally provide.  When I don't understand my boys, I call in Daddy to help me.  When they are being disrespectful, or refusing to clean up, I call in Daddy. 

I am not naturally a clean freak type of person.  My mom used to tell me there was something wrong with me, maybe even on a spiritual level, because I could live with a mess.  Even still, I notice the mess when it is gone and I do enjoy the clean.  Unfortunately though, I can ignore the mess around me until hubby starts to get cranky and then I know the mess has gotten out of control.  Without him, I'm afraid one day I'd end up on Hoarders!  (Ok, that is a slight exaggeration but still.......)

So the feelings of failure and being inadequate are high tonight.  I feel like I couldn't take care of myself if there weren't someone as a safety net to bail me out of my life regularly.  I was so afraid and co-dependent when I was young that now even though I am older and less emotionally co-dependent that I still don't know what to do.

I am afraid of being me, I've always been who someone else wants me to be.  I long for freedom to discover me but still feel afraid to do so completely.  While I am learning to have less concerns about what the outside world thinks of me, I still deeply care what my family thinks of me.  What if they don't like who I have become?