my saving grace

Today I was thinking about the things (well people really) that have carried me through the last year.  I realized how grateful I am for so many people who held my arms up when I couldn't do it myself.

Hubby has been so wonderful to me.  I was looking at him today thinking how blessed I am to have him.  I explained orange thoughts.  It is a much easier way to talk in code.  He has been through so much through all of this and yet he has remained strong and still loves me.  I would have never sought help if he hadn't told me I needed to.  I would have never stayed in treatment.  I would have never even tried to stick with recovery if not for his love and encouragement. 

My dear friend K.  I have known K for 23 years.  We were close when we were kids.  When my struggle with orange became severe she stood by me.  She gave me incredible words and follow up actions to those words.  She said she had no idea what I needed from her, that she didn't really understand what I was going through but that she wanted to walk through it with me.  K asked questions and listened to answers.  She didn't judge, she wasn't harsh. And we talked about other things beside my battle with food.  Some days I needed to talk about my struggle.  Some days I needed to not talk about anything.  Some days we talked about our kids.  Some days we talked about the recent grief in her life.  Some days we talked about therapy.  Some days we reminisced about our childhood days, the books and movies we loved to share with each other.  Some days we vented about our mothers.  Every single day was different but the fact remains, she has been there for me every step of the way.  I would say to anyone who doesn't know how to help someone, learn from K.  She told me she didn't know how to help or what I would need but what I needed was someone who didn't try to fix me but was willing to love me and walk with me on a really lonely and difficult road.  She gave me the freedom to hurt and the freedom to heal.  Thanks, K.  I love you and you have absolutely no idea how much you have given to me this past year!

And my blogger buddies.  I wondered today how I would have gotten through the loss of a friendship without you to let me cry on your shoulders and offer encouragement.  I wondered how I would have made it through the lonely nights without knowing someone else was fighting too.  I wondered if I hadn't found you as my recovery support, how much further my addiction support would have taken me.  I'm glad to know others feel like I do, though I wish for each of you that you didn't know this struggle!  I'm grateful to not be alone but I wish you could see in yourselves what I see in you and wish you didn't have to walk this road also.  (I'm talking to you,  you,  you, you, and to you.)  You are amazing women.  I'm glad to know others are fighting also and not just giving in.

MOPS.  Wow, I don't think I could say how great you gals have been.  I went into the hospital the week that MOPS was starting.  I got out the day before our first meeting.  I went, simply because as part of the leadership, I had a responsibility to help set up.  You ladies encouraged me consistently.  Steph, you were my security blanket when I just couldn't stand in the food line and be ok and you also called me out when I needed a butt kicking.  You never let me "get away with it".  Thanks for loving me in the middle of your own pain from the journey you are on.  I don't know how it is possible to have that many women in a room and feel supported and loved rather than feeling the catty backstabbing atmosphere that usually accompanies a large group of women.  Thanks ladies for your kindness.

And God, thank you for putting the people in my life who I would need.  Thank you for carrying me through when I couldn't have walked through on my own strength.  It is only by the grace of God that I stand.

(I know, I totally sound like I just won a Grammy or some such nonsense with this post, but it had to be said.  I was just in such awe tonight as I thought about all the people who have poured into my life during the most difficult year of my adult life.)