Friday, June 24, 2011
social ineptitude
I have a question for you guys that I have been meaning to ask but today the need to ask seems suffocating. I love my friends. Earlier this week I got together with 5 other ladies to celebrate the impending birth of one of my friends 3rd baby (also known as a baby shower ;-) ). I love these gals. They are wonderful and yet I still felt socially awkward and inept. I feel so out of place anytime I am with a group of people. One on one, I'm great, in a group, I feel so out of place. I know that is common with eating disorders, to isolate. I'm reading a thousand other blogs from others who deal with eating disorders who talk about how difficult it is to be around friends. What I want to know is does that ever go away? And does everybody feel like that? I felt it long before I struggled with anorexia. I remember feeling that way in elementary school, awkward in social settings. I have always attributed my early social anxiety to the abuse I went through as a child but what about now? Is this my eating disorder that makes me uncomfortable. I sat at the table with the other 5 and wondered if any of them felt like they didn't really belong. Was it just me? Do normal, not traumatized, people feel like they don't really fit in too? I want to hear it from all the sides. Tell me how ed has effected your social life. Tell me how being "normal" has effected your social life. Tell me that other people are insecure and timid while pretending that they have it all together. Please tell me I'm not the only social freak!
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"Tell me that other people are insecure and timid while pretending they have it all together."
ReplyDeleteThat's it right there, for me! My social behaviors vary depending on the day, the company, the event, etc. There are times when I isolate and get very quiet, and sort of fade into the background. There are times when I'm the star of the show and the center of attention. There are times where I go back and forth, too.
These feelings of inadequacy and the fears of saying/doing something wrong or stupid are so deeply engrained in me that I've really come to be a great pretender, to be honest. Most people in my life would never know that when I'm in a room full of tons of people, my brain is yelling at me to speak carefully, act appropriately, and be a perfect balance of charm and wit and grace. I've been told by several people over the years that I command the attention of a room, and that people are drawn to me in a crowd. That's all nice and lovely, but the amount of anxiety and total fear behind that is the thing no one knows about.
So I guess to answer your question ... you're not alone in this either. But it's something that has certainly gotten easier for me over the years. Being super involved in my sorority in college, being involved in several other community groups and extra-curricular organizations, and constantly taking on leadership roles in various ways has made me much more calm and collected socially.
You're definitely not a social freak!
My social patterns go to extremes as well. I have mild/moderate hearing loss to go along with it all. I know that sometimes I talk loud but don't realize that I am. I'm constantly worried that I am yelling when I shouldn't be, that I talk to much, that I am missing something, and that they don't really want me around. Of course, we are adults and they wouldn't invite me if they didn't want me to come, but still, I feel so very very out of place!
ReplyDeleteJust your mention of extra-curricular activities made me cringe! I am so freaked out by groups of people that I have let it control so much of my life. College, no way, big group of new people (plus, I may not be perfect and then what?!?). Working for a BIG company, heck no, too many people and departments! I am even freaked out abt my interview bc I have to go through a crowded area to get to where I have to go! Persons, I am ok with, people scare the crap out of me!