child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

dam of emotions

Interesting day.  I finished another chapter in my book.  This one was about placing blame in the proper place.  The author mentions that often people get angry when they remove the false responsibility from themselves and place it where it truly belongs.  There is a period of anger of realizing you have been carrying unnecessary guilt.  There is also a period of anger directed at the people who should have been bearing the responsibility of wrong actions all along.  There is also a period of grief.  Grief is not exclusive to death.  You can grieve the loss of a dream, the loss of a friendship, the loss of innocence, the loss of relationship, or even the loss of a childhood you deserved to have. 

Carol told me today that I am like the little boy holding his finger in the hole of a dam to block the leak, afraid to let go because it could flood over you but feeling the pressure mounting and knowing that sooner or later the dam will break whether you move your finger or not.  Yep, that is me.  I am terrified of the rush of emotions that I am starting to be aware of below the surface.  I am terrified mostly by the intensity of them.  What if I pull my finger out of the dam and the flood washes me away.  How do I handle the intensity of the anger that I feel starting to bubble just below the surface?

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