child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Sunday, January 16, 2011

high price to pay

I once heard my mother say to someone, "Sin will take you further than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay and cost you more than you want to pay."  I heard that again in the hospital but reworded a little, I believe they said addiction (but don't quote me there!).  I am going to reword it myself.  Anorexia will take you further than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay and cost you more than you want to pay.  It has easily taken me further and kept me longer.  Today I am realizing that it is costing me more than I want to pay.  Last week I confided in my best friend what the triggering behaviors were that I was intentionally engaging in.  She researched what I had told her.  The end result?  She is furious.

I can't blame her.  I am furious.  What I do is despicable and yet when I struggle it draws me like a moth to flame.  For the first time ever, I have managed to make it to her sh*t list.  She is angry that I am hurting myself.  She is angry that my actions will hurt my kids and husband.  She is angry because I have a lot to lose and yet still engage in behaviors that could cost it all.  And you know what?  She has every right to be angry with me.  It still hurts though.  It hurts to have my husband come home from work and see our house a disaster and see him emotionally shut down.  It hurts to have my kids saying they don't feel like eating (though this isn't all the time, it usually happens when they are frustrated with me). It hurts to hear my best friend say that she has never felt so angry with me.

It is embarrassing to see my husbands boss, the only person outside of family that he told when I was in the hospital.  It is embarrassing to pick up my prescriptions at my husbands work and have the "depression and suicidal thoughts/actions" leaflet in every prescription I pick up.  It is embarrassing to think what my best friend's fiancee must think of me.  It is humbling to hear some people say I don't look that sick and others say it is pretty obvious.  It is costing me a lot.  I don't want to pay this piper.  I don't want to lose the relationships of those closest to me because I kept destroying myself.  I'd like to believe that anorexia wouldn't cost me my marriage, my relationship with my kids or my best friend.  In all honesty though, it very well could cost me those things.  That is way too high of a price to pay.  I have to get better.  I want to get better because I want to live a healthy normal life.  I also want to get better to not hurt those I love any more than I already have.

I'm glad she told me she was angry with me.  It gives me perspective.  She gave me a quick glimpse of what this looks like from the outside.  It doesn't look pretty.  Thank God for His grace and mercy because I have already discovered many, many times that sheer will power is not enough.  Thank God that when I am weak, He is strong.  Thank God that He carries me when I can't walk on my own.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Dawn,

    I'm sorry your friend was angry with you. It's difficult for people who have never had an ED to understand just how all consuming it can be. It IS an illness, not something that you are doing because you're a bad or selfish person. I am glad you've found something-fishy and ed bites - I have a recovery oriented blog too with a lot of resources for recovering without IP treatment (struggling a little at the moment but I believe that's a fairly natural part of recovery!), and there are a LOT more pro-recovery blogs out there. I hope you find some more support here :)