child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, January 6, 2011

what defines a line?

I wonder how much my bones will continue to ache before things change again.  I wonder how long before my boobs disappear again.  I wonder how many more panic attacks I will have before we figure out which medications/dosages work best for my body.  I wonder why I continue to do this to myself. I wonder why addiction is easier to cope with than change.  I wonder if I'll ever be part of the group that gets better and never looks back. Today I meditated on Psalm 19:13 "Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression."  Where is the line between willful sins and addiction?  I stayed away from triggering activities today, which did take significant discipline.  I didn't intentionally do anything to make it worse, but obviously I am not completely better either.  Is it the desires of my heart that define the fine line between willful sin and addiction?  Is there actually a line at all?  I am tired and irrational so I'm going to go to bed before I start babbling. 

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