child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Sunday, January 30, 2011

fears and thoughts

I had a fear the other day that was valid but not really.  It was valid in that I understood why this thought hit me but not valid in that I don't think that it is truth.  Big Mike (my therapy friend who I blogged about on Thurs night) is a really nice guy.  He makes me feel safe and a bit less scared of men.  My fear that hit suddenly was an oldie, what if I have misjudged him and I think he is safe but then he proves to not be at all?  In my life, while I know there are safe men in the world, the only one who has ever been in my intimate emotional circle and who I actually see, is my husband.  I have a few close male friends who know my struggle with anorexia or know that I am an abuse survivor or even read my blog and see my heart that way.  I know these men to be safe men  but I don't have to face them regularly and let them prove that they are safe. What I know to be true and what I fear to be true are not the same.  I know that even if I saw these men often, they would still prove to be safe.  My heart believes Big Mike to be safe as well, and yet for an instant I felt fear.  Will that ever go away?  Will I ever be able to meet a safe man and not feel that glimpse of fear? 

I am finding great joy in my family right now.  I feel more at peace with my life as a whole.  It does indeed feel good.  If only feeling good inside made eating easier!  One of my recovery goals for this week (right now a week is Thursday-Wednesday for the length of my therapy) is to eat lunch at minimum 3x.  I have finally gotten to a point that I can usually not look at the calories on my food, and I have been able to eat dinner regularly the past few weeks.  Lunch is proving to be much, much harder.  I succeeded Saturday.  One down, two more to go.  I know it will get easier, dinner did.  I also know right now it is really difficult.

I am struggling with another version of real truth and perceived truth.  I am realizing that my body image is worse than I actually thought.  I squished my "bulge" together today and told my husband that it is bothering me.  Then I looked at my hips which are back to being a bit frail looking.  I know that if my hips and collar bone are looking a bit frail again that I am not in danger of being fat.  And yet, still, I see the bulge and am not ok with it.  Hubby told me he understood that I was feeling insecure but that if I hadn't squished it all together and forced it out, that he wouldn't have noticed it at all.  When I unsquished (I know, not a real word!) it he genuinely couldn't see it but it was so glaringly obvious to me!  Why can't he see what I see?  Or better yet, how can I see what he sees?  I am slowly starting to understand beauty.  I often still don't feel it but I am getting to a point that I believe that others do indeed see it when they say it.  That sounds paradoxal.  I don't feel beautiful much but I finally believe that I am beautiful.  How on earth does that work?  How do I see a bulge, feel inadequate and ugly but yet still know there is truth when someone tells me they see beauty? 

Will I ever be able to approach life without fear?  Will I ever not be afraid of a man getting emotionally close to me?  Will I ever look in the mirror and be happy in my own skin?  Will I ever feel what I know?  Will I ever be (and see) the woman that so many others are telling me they see in me? Just some thoughts.

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