I had a fear the other day that was valid but not really. It was valid in that I understood why this thought hit me but not valid in that I don't think that it is truth. Big Mike (my therapy friend who I blogged about on Thurs night) is a really nice guy. He makes me feel safe and a bit less scared of men. My fear that hit suddenly was an oldie, what if I have misjudged him and I think he is safe but then he proves to not be at all? In my life, while I know there are safe men in the world, the only one who has ever been in my intimate emotional circle and who I actually see, is my husband. I have a few close male friends who know my struggle with anorexia or know that I am an abuse survivor or even read my blog and see my heart that way. I know these men to be safe men but I don't have to face them regularly and let them prove that they are safe. What I know to be true and what I fear to be true are not the same. I know that even if I saw these men often, they would still prove to be safe. My heart believes Big Mike to be safe as well, and yet for an instant I felt fear. Will that ever go away? Will I ever be able to meet a safe man and not feel that glimpse of fear?
I am finding great joy in my family right now. I feel more at peace with my life as a whole. It does indeed feel good. If only feeling good inside made eating easier! One of my recovery goals for this week (right now a week is Thursday-Wednesday for the length of my therapy) is to eat lunch at minimum 3x. I have finally gotten to a point that I can usually not look at the calories on my food, and I have been able to eat dinner regularly the past few weeks. Lunch is proving to be much, much harder. I succeeded Saturday. One down, two more to go. I know it will get easier, dinner did. I also know right now it is really difficult.
I am struggling with another version of real truth and perceived truth. I am realizing that my body image is worse than I actually thought. I squished my "bulge" together today and told my husband that it is bothering me. Then I looked at my hips which are back to being a bit frail looking. I know that if my hips and collar bone are looking a bit frail again that I am not in danger of being fat. And yet, still, I see the bulge and am not ok with it. Hubby told me he understood that I was feeling insecure but that if I hadn't squished it all together and forced it out, that he wouldn't have noticed it at all. When I unsquished (I know, not a real word!) it he genuinely couldn't see it but it was so glaringly obvious to me! Why can't he see what I see? Or better yet, how can I see what he sees? I am slowly starting to understand beauty. I often still don't feel it but I am getting to a point that I believe that others do indeed see it when they say it. That sounds paradoxal. I don't feel beautiful much but I finally believe that I am beautiful. How on earth does that work? How do I see a bulge, feel inadequate and ugly but yet still know there is truth when someone tells me they see beauty?
Will I ever be able to approach life without fear? Will I ever not be afraid of a man getting emotionally close to me? Will I ever look in the mirror and be happy in my own skin? Will I ever feel what I know? Will I ever be (and see) the woman that so many others are telling me they see in me? Just some thoughts.