child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Friday, January 28, 2011

group therapy

I have a lot to process but I also have a 3 yr old who downed a can of Pepsi while I was gone and after Daddy had fallen asleep, and is thumping the floor overhead rather loudly.  So.... short, sweet and to the point and I'll process the rest later.  I have made a commitment to blog at least 3 times a week. Here is the first of the minimum.  I have a unnatural aversion and fear of a certain household object.  I have told my husband though I didn't tell him why that object terrifies me.  Tonight after therapy a few of us went to the pub across the parking lot.  One of the people who I talked with was a safe man, one who I could talk without fear, one who tonight alone brought a lot of healing.  Because of his age and some other things about him, he kinda represents in my mind the danger of men in the past.  It was  healing to be around a man who reminded me of situations with men that were not safe but who was himself safe.  He guessed what I was afraid of and suddenly I found myself saying the words that have stayed in my head forever.  I revealed why it scares me.  So I could put on my brave face and say it was easy and felt good to have it out in the open, but I would be lying to an extreme.  Saying it out loud did not take the sting away at all.  It actually hurt like hell.  It is not a secret anymore to one person in the entire world, and it still hurts.  I'm not sure where to go with the hurt yet, but I will acknowledge that it is there.  I don't swear much but I have to say, group therapy has made me realize that a lot of people have a lot of baggage and we live in a seriously fucked up world sometimes!  So the good news for this week is that though my week fell apart, I did not.  Oh, and I was able to eat dinner this week.  It may only be one regular meal a day but it is still one consistent meal a day. Ok, now off to bed before hubby's alarm goes off or the wired kid wakes up the rest of the house.  I'll be back soon, hopefully fully debriefed in my head and able to compose a decent thought!

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