child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, January 10, 2011

things I am learning from my kids (or from being their mom)

Last summer my oldest son got mad at his little brother and threw sand in his eyes.  My middle child was pretty hurt.  As his mommy, I did the best I could to wash his eyes and I held him tight when he cried.  I rocked him to sleep in my arms only to have him wake up screaming about 30 minutes later.  I pulled down his eyelids and saw that there was still a small amount of sand in there that I could not get out.  I called the pediatrician and she sent us straight to the e.r.  At the e.r. I held my hurting, crying boy.  And here is a duh moment for all of you.  I was never for a second mad at him for needing to go to the hospital, for being hurt, for the money the e.r. would cost, or for inconveniencing my evening.  I was mad, but not with him.  I was mad with my other child who hurt this child.  I was angry that my oldest could be so mean and spiteful and intentionally hurt his little brother but I was never angry with the little brother for being hurt.

Maybe God feels the same way?  My heart ached for my little boy and his pain.  I did everything I needed to do, including holding him down while he was screaming so that two nurses could flush his eyes out, and then holding him down while they put the glow in the dark drops in his eyes to see if his retina was scratched.  He didn't like it AT ALL.  I knew it to be something that had to be done to prevent further damage and to heal the damage already done.  I didn't cause his pain.  I didn't "allow" his pain.  Someone else hurt him.  And yet for his greater good, I still held him down through discomfort of removing all of the debris. I was never once angry with him for being hurt.

Maybe God feels the same way?  He isn't angry with me for being hurt, just as I wasn't angry with my hurt son.  He is angry that I was hurt by another, just as I was angry that my son was hurt by his brother, but He isn't angry with me.  The things that happened to me are not my fault, they are just my injuries inflicted by another.  I can come to Him hurt and crying and He will hold me just as I held my son.  He will even, when necessary, hold me in discomfort to get all the debris out if that is what healing my heart will require.  It wasn't easy to subject my son to additional pain on top of his original pain.  It wasn't easy to hold him down and hear him scream, but it was right and it was done with loving intentions not harmful intentions.  Ok, there is more but I am falling asleep at my computer so I'll have to share part 2 another time.

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