child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, May 16, 2011

church, to go or to skip, that is the question

Sometimes my crazy brain is just that, crazy.  Here is insight into my brain from 10pm Sat until Noon Sunday.

10 PM ~  I really don't feel like going to church tomorrow.  I'm really tired and I really don't want anyone to see me.
10:15 PM ~ The kids have started asking when church will be over before we even arrive at church.  Do I really want to deal with that on my own tomorrow (hubby was working this weekend)?
10:30 PM ~ I'm tired, I'll figure this out in the morning but I really don't want anyone to look at me!

Sometime Sunday Morning ~ It isn't all about me, it is all about Christ.  I should go to church.
8:20 AM ~ I just want to stay in my comfy workout pants.  Do I really have to get dressed and go?
8:25 AM ~ Fine, I'll put on clothes.  Hmmmmm, what do you wear when you don't want anyone to look at you?
8:35 AM ~ olive green pants, long sleeve purple t-shirt.  no wait, this t-shirt is fitted at the waist and my bloatedness will be obvious!  Take off 1st outfit.
8:40 AM ~ I know, the cute blue, black and white shirt with the cute denim skirt.  If people are going to have to look at me, I might as well not let them know I'm feeling insecure today!
8:42 AM ~ Wait, that outfit looked hot on me for date night last month.  Uh, maybe too hot!  Mental note, mini skirt on date with hubby = perfectly acceptable.  Mini skirt at church on Sunday morning with all 3 of my kids = not so acceptable
8:50 AM ~ sigh.  What can I wear that will not tell people I am insecure and yet no one has to look at me in?  Reach for the only pair of non-holey jeans I own only to realize that I wore them when I pulled weeds a couple of days ago and forgot to wash them.  They have dirt all over them.
8:55 AM ~ I finally grab the jeans with a hole in the knee and grab a short sleeve summer sweater from the dryer.  Oops, forgot the clothes in the dryer for a couple of days so my sweater is wrinkly but I decide I have neither the time, desire or energy to iron.
9:00 AM ~ I look over myself in the mirror, holey jeans and wrinkly shirt.  Lovely, just lovely.  I grab a fun and chunky necklace that matches my shirt.  Hmmmmmm, with this on people will naturally divert their attention from my holey jeans, wrinkled shirt and bloated tummy up to this hanging around my neck.  Mission complete.
10:15 AM ~ I enter church a few minutes late and a bit harried.  I am late, that means people have to see me.  Deep breath, it's not about me, it's about Jesus.  Wait, that girl on stage singing is wearing distressed jeans with a hole in them!  No one will notice my pants!  Woo hoo!
11:45 AM ~ The guest pastor wore blue jeans and suspenders.  No one has even mentioned my attire OR the necklace strategically place to draw attention off of my attire or my body.  Whew! No one notices, I was just paranoid that they could hear my evening and morning being narrated just as you have right now.  I have once again over analyzed and convinced myself that everyone is keeping tabs on the sick girl.  They weren't.

All of that agonizing and paranoia just about going to church or more aptly said, going out in public.  Really?????  Days like this make me think I actually am crazy!

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