list

I've got a lot on my mind and thanks to blogger being down for nearly 2 days, my thoughts are all jumbled and I don't know where to begin or what to say.  I love lists.  Somehow a good list is soothing to me so maybe I'll just make a list until I feel better.

• sometimes I really want to quit
• I fantasize about quitting and being the one to host the disease without the emotional side effects.  Maybe I could get in the e.d. guiness book of world records for being normal and sane and only losing my body and not my mind.
• if I eat with a smaller spoon i.e. a baby sized spoon, I feel like I am eating less and feel less guilty.
• I exercised to a goal yesterday instead of to a desire.  (that means I didn't do the exercises I wanted to do but the ones I felt I "should" do and I didn't stop when my body told me to stop but rather stopped when I finally got my brain to shut up.)
• I actually HATE exercising and usually do so out of guilt or self hatred.
• No one should ever comment on another persons weight.  Don't say "Oh, gee, have you lost weight?" to anyone.  Don't say, "Oh, you are finally putting weight back on." to anyone who has ever had any eating disorder.
• The only exception to commenting on someone's weight is limited to a very intimate circle of people.  I can talk about weight and numbers with my husband for instance and a few other select people.
• even when I am on top of the world and depression feels far away, I still wonder what it would be like to die.  Even when I am in the best place ever, I still sometimes think about what it would be like to kill myself.  
• I don't want to die forever.  Don't panic, I'm not attempting suicide.  I just think about what death would be like.  I don't want to actually die though.
• I'm pretty sure that my last comment makes little to no sense and now has someone out there worried.
• I can see that I am getting a little further along in my recovery because last night I ate that brownie that my brain was throwing a fit about.  I didn't want to disappoint my blogger buddies.  Six months ago that would not have been reason enough to eat something when my brain said "Don't you dare!"
• Though my hubby likes my boobs and has been commenting on them, all I can see in the mirror right now is the muffin top that I am certain is there rather than the curves he compliments.
• I am sad that Mike turned out to be a not safe man, or at least not safe for me and my emotional place in life right now.  I decline to comment on if he is a safe man in general because I don't know that one way or another.  But he was not a safe man for me and we are no longer friends.
• I learned some important things about myself and God's healing through the short friendship I did have with him though.
• I want to have a birthday party/bbq at a park this year.  I think the last birthday party I had was when I turned 18 (surprise party thrown by my high school friend) and only 2 people showed up to that.  
• I think it is kinda (translated absolutely and completely) selfish of me to want to have people come and celebrate me.  It feels weird and awkward. 
• The day before Mother's Day I couldn't stand my hair for a second longer and I took out the scissors and cut it myself.  It is a bit uneven but not terrible looking.
• My friend Steph is amazing, inspiring, beautiful and stronger than nearly anyone else I know. 
• Steph got a haircut that everyone else loves but she hates and her comment was, "It's ok, I don't have to look at it."  That was the inspiration to just cut 3ish inches off of my hair on a whim.  I realized through her that it is just hair and it will grow back.
• I feel like a total jerk because I forgot one of my closest friends birthdays last month.
• I'm tired of being broke all the time.
• I am angry that people are making insensitive remarks and making Missy cry.  
• I'm frustrated that recovery isn't easy or quick.
• I want to take a  solo girl weekend away and go meet Sarah in Florida.  It would definitely suffice as time away from my life and time spent with someone who blesses me in countless ways.
• I'm still taken by a quote from The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch.  "Failure is not only acceptable, often it is essential."  I have been mulling over that quote for days.
• I freakin love the soothing powers of lists and coffee :)

Ok, so I do feel somewhat better.  I'm exhausted and cannot continue until I feel completely better though.  It is crazy soothing for me, I absolutely love my lists.  Lists give me the ability to take a deep breath.  Lists help me gain perspective.  Lists are comforting.