child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, May 26, 2011

love/hate abusive relationship

I have spent most of my life in an abusive relationship with anorexia.  I have tried to cover up the marks she leaves when she hurts me.  I lie and make excuses for her.  I get angry when she steals from me but readily forgive her when she makes me feel good again.  Even when I decided I had had enough and broke away, I ended up taking her back when she looked kind and comforting.  I have let her abuse me long enough.

I am angry with what anorexia has stolen from me.  Today is my best friend acquaintance's birthday.  I miss her something fierce.  I wish that anorexia had not come between us.  I wish we could bridge the ever growing gap between us and that things could be back to the way they were.  I wish she could see the progress I've made in trying to break the cycle of abuse from my eating disorder. 

Today was my preschoolers last day of school and tomorrow is my other kids last day of school.  I am sad to see this year come to a close, more so than usual.  As this year ends, I realize how much of it I missed because I had to take care of me.  Battling anorexia forced me to focus on me and gave me little time to enjoy 2nd grade, kindergarten and preschool.  I feel like I have missed a year of my kids lives and time is something we cannot have back.

I'm tired of anorexia abusing me.  I'm tired of trying to defend her.  I'm tired of her stealing from me.  I'm also tired of fighting to leave her.  It is just like any other abusive relationship and I cannot change her.

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