child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

letter to me (16/17 yr old edition)

Dear Beautiful,
     Why are you always shocked when you hear that?  You are beautiful.  I know your secret, after all, I am you, just an older you.  I'm not going to tell you what you are doing is wrong, you already know.  I'm not here to condemn you for your excessive drinking, your choice of boyfriends or your physical relationships.  I'm going to ask you what no one else has.  Why?
     Why are you drinking until you pass out?  I know it's not peer pressure, you drink alone.  Why are you allowing boys to touch you in ways you hate and yet actually encouraging them to do so?  Why did you stop eating again?  Why are you smoking?  Why are you torturing your body when you are alone in your room?  You aren't just another bad kid like some see you as.  You have hurts and reasons for your actions.  
     So many have written you off as the screw up but you aren't.  The good kids from school and church assume you are just a bad seed and don't want to be part of your self destruction.  I know something they don't. I know that you have a reason.  I'm here to ask you the question you long to hear.  I'm here to tell you that I believe in you.  I'm here to tell you not everyone in your life is judging you, even though it feels that way right now. 
     I am here to give you the chance to explain the things you long to share but no one seems to want to hear.  I am here to know WHY you destroy yourself, not here to condemn your actions.  Only one person will ask you this question right now.  Only A will see the beauty beneath the sinner.  She loves you, don't push her away.  Someday someone else will ask to know your heart not just your actions.  As you get older others will care more about who you are than what you do.  I know it isn't that way right now, but it will come.
     I want to hold you.  I want you to see your worth.  I want you to know that I care about YOU not about how you are messing up.  I want you to know it is ok to say no.  I want you to know that your value is far greater than your sexual allure.  I want you to know that the alcohol and starving aren't really numbing your pain, they are only delaying it for another day.  It is ok to eat.  It is ok to not drink.  You really do have the strength inside of yourself to cope without these things.  
     I wish for you that the church could see you for the beauty that you are.  I wish for you that you could find hope and healing through God's grace now instead of years down the road.  That hope and healing I mention are there, you will find them.  You are going to make it through this.  You are not a write off, you are a beautiful daughter of God.  His family will one day show you His grace and love.  Not everyone is judging you now nor will you always feel constant judgement.  
     Hold on to hope.  Face your pain head on, stop trying to numb it.  The numbing only adds years more pain to the original pain and adds that much more to heal when you get the courage to face it.  You are beautiful exactly how you are.  You don't need to be thinner.  You don't need to be sexier.  You don't need to be anything other than what you are right now.  You are beautiful.  Stop letting your brain insist otherwise.  
     If I could tell you one thing, from me to you, I would tell you that refusing to eat will cost you dearly.  One day it will be a harder addiction to break than the one of the alcohol you are addicted to now.  It doesn't make the pain go away, it places it under a lighted magnifying glass.  Food is not your enemy.  Your body is not your enemy, please stop believing that it is!  You are worth knowing.  You are worth loving.
your future self


  1. and that we are honored by these glimpses of your story and heart...

  2. This letter is beautiful, thanks for sharing :-)

  3. This is a beautiful letter. I agree with Holly. It's an honor to see glimpses into your story.